the body and the mantra

In general, I shy away from mantras and self-affirmations. I find them a bit woo woo, I guess. In light of my last post, I suppose I am at least using self-talk to help myself understand what I want. So I thought I’d write about another phrase about eating that’s been making a difference for me.

The phrase is: “I can have that if I want.” I sort of came to it naturally, since I’ve been trying to ask myself what I truly want to eat and why, and honoring the urges as they come if they ring true to me.

What I didn’t know is that this method is a well-researched and supported approach to eating. I highly recommend this article on Ellyn Satter’s website about methods of returning joy to eating and allowing yourself to have what you want.

I’m finding what she says there to be true. If I give myself permission to have what I really want, what I want from a Wise Mind perspective (hey DBT term!), I feel free. It’s okay to eat a lot or a little and I know that if I want it I can come back to it. I don’t have to just eat something because it’s there and I might not get a chance to eat it again. It takes away the urgency of the impulse to binge. I don’t have to binge because I know that I can have whatever food I really want whenever I really want it.

It’s permissiveness with a different tone than I’ve ever known before. It’s not forcing myself to eat fear foods or foods I have shame about to avoid the appearance of restricting. It’s not making up for eating those “shameful” foods by calculatingly eating something “good” later.  I’ve never had that freedom. I’ve always felt the need to sneak food or hide my eating because of judgment I faced early in life that I deeply internalized. I simply ask myself my first question: “What do I want to eat?” and then when I find an answer, I say “I can have that if I want,” with the understanding that if I don’t want it right now I can always have it later.

Little did I know when I began using my personal permission phrase that this idea is backed by science. I know it’s making my life easier and less stressful. Yes, I still think about food more than I want to, but I’m checking in with my body more than my impulses about it. And every time I make a choice that honors my body, I feel more free.

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the body and normal eating

There’s a concept that I just can’t seem to get in my head. It’s about what normal eating is.

All these sources I read that are super in tune with how I feel about food still haven’t hit the mark for me. That’s because they articulate a feeling–I’m out of control with food and can’t stop binge eating–but insist that if I could just stop controlling and judging my food choices then I’ll be well on my way.

But here’s the thing. I have tried so hard to stop judging my food choices. I feel I am very permissive. No food is off limits, aside from most meats because I’m an ethical pescatarian. I still binge eat all the time though, almost daily. And despite the many helpful people who write and talk about how letting go of diets and over-control of food will help you become more in tune with what you actually want to eat and help you stop binge eating.

And I can’t help but believe that the reason I’m still gaining weight is because I’m being permissive with my food AND still binge eating.  I don’t feel good after I binge, but I never think about that when I’m about to binge. I’m not trying to lose weight anymore, but I do feel fear about continuing to gain weight (which is another post), and I’m afraid the way I’m eating is the reason I can’t let my body settle into a set point. I know that dieting won’t work, and will probably make the problem worse, so I feel very stuck.

At this point, I guess I’ll revert back to some DBT skills to help me resist the urge in the moment. The urge to binge seems like a more emotional thing than any kind of hunger thing, since I feel that I’m fueling my body properly with as minimal judgment as I can muster.

I think I’ll shoot for some pros and cons, and emergency kit, and removing myself from the opportunity to binge. We’ll see how it works.

the body and the beginning

Welcome to my first blog entry! I’m not sure exactly how I want to start this, so I’m just going to jump in.

I’m starting this blog because I have a lot of thoughts all pushing around in my head for attention, and I’ve found writing them down has been helpful in the past. I’m starting it because I want to learn about myself and the ways how I think and feel about my body affect my life. I’m starting it because I’m tired of feeling turned around and confused in my own head. I’m starting it because I hope I can build a community that supports me as I explore my experience.

My plan is to have this be a multi-faceted blog. Topics I want to include are:

  • fat acceptance, body positivity, Health At Every Size (HAES), and my body
  • my health, exercise, foods, meds, and my body
  • queerness, gender, my gender expression, and my body
  • photos of me, the way I am, in my body right now
  • anything and everything about what I’m thinking about my body

You can see why I called this blog “The Body.” Recently, I’ve begun to think about my body constantly. In October 2016, I was hit by a car while riding my bike. I got incredibly lucky in that my injuries were limited, mainly to my left knee. It still wasn’t great: I tore my MCL fully, tore my PCL partially, tore my meniscus partially, and had fractures in my fibula and femur. Basically, it was out of commission. I was fortunate enough to be able to avoid surgery, but otherwise I am on the long journey to regaining a fully functioning body part.

Before the accident, I biked to work every day, ran about once a week, and worked out another two or three days. I’ve completed four Tough Mudders, run two 5ks, and lifted weights heavier than my body. But my reality now is much different. Part of what I’m exploring here is how to come to terms with having to redefine the movement that is possible in my life, right now. I’m tired of saying to myself: “When my knee is better, I’ll be able to do that.” What about right now?

Another thing I’m really interested in exploring is how I take care of my body. Since my injury, I haven’t wanted to think about my body, or think about caring for it, or think about the long term. Part of that is movement, another part of that is what I eat and why. Another part is how I care for my mental health. I want to figure out how I can better commit myself to taking care of myself, rather than waiting until “I’m better.” What about right now?

I’m a huge proponent of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), because it literally saved my life. One of the first things you learn in DBT is to reduce your vulnerability to out-of-control emotions by using your “PLEASE skills.” PLEASE stands for

  • treat Physical iLlness
  • balance Eating
  • avoid mood Altering drugs
  • balance Sleep
  • get Exercise

Okay, so it’s a bit of a stretch in terms of an acronym, but you get the point. These are incredibly important for life. I think this is where my main focus should be for now, since I could improve on so many.

Anyway, you see where I’m starting now. From a place of a lot of thoughts but not yet a ton of action. From a place of wanting to think about my body and behaviors in a new way. I hope you’ll join me on this journey.