the body and normal eating

There’s a concept that I just can’t seem to get in my head. It’s about what normal eating is.

All these sources I read that are super in tune with how I feel about food still haven’t hit the mark for me. That’s because they articulate a feeling–I’m out of control with food and can’t stop binge eating–but insist that if I could just stop controlling and judging my food choices then I’ll be well on my way.

But here’s the thing. I have tried so hard to stop judging my food choices. I feel I am very permissive. No food is off limits, aside from most meats because I’m an ethical pescatarian. I still binge eat all the time though, almost daily. And despite the many helpful people who write and talk about how letting go of diets and over-control of food will help you become more in tune with what you actually want to eat and help you stop binge eating.

And I can’t help but believe that the reason I’m still gaining weight is because I’m being permissive with my food AND still binge eating.  I don’t feel good after I binge, but I never think about that when I’m about to binge. I’m not trying to lose weight anymore, but I do feel fear about continuing to gain weight (which is another post), and I’m afraid the way I’m eating is the reason I can’t let my body settle into a set point. I know that dieting won’t work, and will probably make the problem worse, so I feel very stuck.

At this point, I guess I’ll revert back to some DBT skills to help me resist the urge in the moment. The urge to binge seems like a more emotional thing than any kind of hunger thing, since I feel that I’m fueling my body properly with as minimal judgment as I can muster.

I think I’ll shoot for some pros and cons, and emergency kit, and removing myself from the opportunity to binge. We’ll see how it works.


One thought on “the body and normal eating

  1. Oh no!! What an awful, confusing place to be! I wonder what’s going on :-/ How long have you been giving yourself permission? It took me months (maybe 3 or 4?) before my body started giving any cues of fullness — it takes a while for those hunger/fullness hormones to get back in sync. I ate a lot, and got lots of stomachaches along the way too.

    It’s interesting that you’re describing your food intake as binge eating (as opposed to just “eating”). Is it possible that you are giving permission to the type of food, but not the quantity? I wonder if that could be prolonging a subconscious sense of restriction/control/dieting. I find that it helps me to change my self-talk in my head so I feel fully in control of the moment. For instance, the difference between: “I want cookies. I’m choosing to eat as many cookies as a damn well please and if I eat the whole bag, who cares? This is exactly what I want at this moment, this is so awesome” vs. “I ate one cookie but now I really should stop. Okay I ate four cookies and that is WAY too much. Shouldn’t have done that. Oh god why can’t I stop I’ve eaten 10 cookies now. Oh no no no I hope I don’t eat the whole bag, I’m binge eating again. Crap I’ve eaten the whole bag, I am the WORST” etc etc etc.

    Please forgive my unsolicited advice! I’m rooting for you all the way — I really hope you are able to find answers soon! xoxo


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