the body and my brain right now

I’m not going to lie, I’m going through a tough time right now. Depression has snuck back into my life and has settled right in my home–my body.

I feel exhausted all the time. I feel unmotivated. I’m falling behind at work. I avoid tasks because they just seem too hard. I don’t help around the house. I feel flat and unfunny when I see my friends.

This isn’t new for me. Unfortunately, I’m used to this feeling. I’ve dealt with periods of depression since I was 14, and periods of hypomania from 16. I have a mood cycle that is an inherent part of who I am. My body and my brain ebb and flow with energy and optimism. I’m fortunate enough to have medications and support that really help me out and keep my head above water pretty much all of the time, even when I’m having a super rough time. The rough times are never as bad as they used to be and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Still, I have a moderate depressive episode pretty much once a year at this point. I guess now is my time. Sometimes it’s triggered by extra stress or by the winter (hello, seasonal depression), but this time I’m just not sure. It sucks to have to accept this about myself, but fighting that this is happening only makes taking care of myself harder.

I know part of the problem is that with my injury I just haven’t been able to exercise. Exercise is a huge help in boosting my mood and reminding my brain that it can make happy chemicals. It’s also a good reminder that some things do still feel good, even if not everything does. But right now I’m pretty limited in what I can do. That doesn’t mean I can do nothing.

I am strong, and I have survived this so many times before. Every time I get through a depressive episode I realize how wrong my depressed brain is in perceiving the world and myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that my judgments are coming from an impaired brain and that it will not always be like this.

Here’s to taking deep breaths, trying to stay in the moment, and doing the best I can with what I have.

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